If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
You Might Also Like
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.