I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
You Might Also Like
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
mom had nothing to worry about
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.