College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
*jingles half the way*
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?