DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
You Might Also Like
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf