Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
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Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
i think we should see other cousins
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.