Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
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It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
hmm conte-me mais
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”