@UncleDuke1969

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

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@chopper4jk

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

@iRowlf

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

@Stellacopter

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

@LibertyLayne01

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

@EmmECarroll

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

@veronaway2

When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.

@noog

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast