bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

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I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.


It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.


Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!


When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?


2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”


When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.


I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.


I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast