bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.