bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford


Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.


DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.


“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds


Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what


Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles


People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.