According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
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Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I think I’ll stand
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.