why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
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Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Wise advice
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Care for your back
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub