Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Very problematic
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.