I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Gemma Correll
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing