The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip