I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.