Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sell your car
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.