Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
You Might Also Like
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?