Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
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I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia