Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
You Might Also Like
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.