Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
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#MeanwhileinCanada
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap