I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
True freaking story!
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over