if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I think I’m having a stroke
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.