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“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
This was a bad idea all around
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.