Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Cashiers are always checking me out
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance