My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
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The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.