@0ne_1980

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

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@dfaber84

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

@envydatropic

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

@0point5twins

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

@junejuly12

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

@itrevormoore

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

@Death_Buddy

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

@80sjams

I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

@MatildaWent

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.