I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I triple waxed for this?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
May never get over this
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast