My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!