*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
You Might Also Like
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
BETRAYAL
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.