Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
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Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted