If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.