If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
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Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
What the hell happened here.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.