Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
You Might Also Like
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
any last words?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁