exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.