[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.