Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
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Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.