Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.