That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
(Musicians.)
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok