If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Breaking news:
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know