Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
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Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
lol
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.