A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
So true for me
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
oppen heimer style lol
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.