[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”