*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.