I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
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911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
gentlemen, hear me out