TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
2022 be like
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Ken is short for chicken
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…