My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute