My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
based al yankovic
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.