Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
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Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells