People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
You Might Also Like
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Social Media and Real life
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️