“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
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I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?