Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
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[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?