It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
concern
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Hamburger Hinderer.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish