I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
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I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.