Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”