My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
There are no pants in heaven.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
ok this is my dumbest yet